as in love with you as i am

and every day 

i am learning about you 

the things that no one else sees 

and the end comes too soon 

like dreaming of angels 

angels, the xx

microscopic hummingbirds

i don't want to live through winter

i can't stand to see everything ending

i'll just stand on the meadow

i'll be taken by sunbeams

so goodbye

i think it is beautiful that you are 256 colors too

black moth super rainbow

waste

i want to know when this all will stop.

i want to know if this all will stop.

devils will drag you

my one reoccurring thought is:

what would you do if it were me

instead of you?

through the cracks

i, i blame you

i blame you

for all of those things i've been through

albatross

wild beasts

just like old friends

so far

i still know who you are

but now

i wonder who i was

perfect

smashing pumpkins

extrasupervery

i'm working on erasing you

i just don't have the proper tools

i get hammered, forget that you exist

there's no way i'm forgetting this

i'm working hard on walking out

my shoes keep sticking to the ground

my clothes won't let me close the door

and these trousers seem to love your floor

i'm working on my backwards walk

there's nowhere left for me to go

except back to you just one last time

say yes, before i change my mind

you're the shit

and i'm knee-deep in it.

backwards walk

frightened rabbit

seen it 10 times before

i thought that you were the one

in darkness, my heart was won

the ubiquitous mr. lovegrove

dead can dance

a navy knot with arms at night

and now we're unrelated

and rid of all the shit we hated,

but i hate when i feel like this

and i never

hated you.

poke

frightened rabbit

like god's shoeshine

i'm struggling to remind myself over and over

that things are different now, that i really am quite alone at the end of the day,

that the knot that held my idea of normalcy together is fraying slowly

and is bound to snap any day now.

i'm struggling even more

to convince myself that i'll be just fine

anyway.

that about sums it up

walk

can't feel my love anymore

can't feel my legs anymore

but i'm still running

all dried up

phantogram

feels like

image: james joyce

cause you are the ocean

and i'm good at drowning.

you are the ocean

phantogram

who will love you?

come on skinny love,

just last the year.

skinny love

bon iver

our chorus

when we come together then we forget ourselves

and just as night follows day

the beginning must become the end

and so we will start again

please let me go

please let me go

please let me go

so glad to see you

hot chip

the south takes what the north delivers

this is the slow, sick, sucking part of me

this is the slow, sick, sucking part of me

and when i'm sucking kisses

sour

unfair

pavement

in the darkness comes another

i get impatient

with every word

the more you ask me,

the more i've heard

this is a thirst

that i've never had

i've never bled for

another man

lose it

austra

it's do or die now

i can call your fake

i needed an anthem

and i can give your take

i needed a song

and i am here and brave

i want to go dancing

to be a dancer (i am alive)

lovers

bury our limbs

trying to live on

is so taxing

just stacking up

all those failures and accidents

we've thrown away on

a mountain of mistakes

i've watched in the dark

and counted them all

in the moonless night,

i wait for your call

put the days away

sun airway

lessons

it is so deceptively easy to get hopelessly wrapped up in what you think is in someone else's head, what you think might happen, what you think you're going to mess up on.

this habit frequently results in the infamous 'downward spiral', as i fondly call my own tendency to catastrophize. i find it exhausting and frustrating, and i'm sure it's not exactly fun for anyone else around me either.

it begins with a small nagging problem or worry, and quickly blossoms into a giant void of hopelessness in which you are certain you are an absolutely hideous failure with no talent or intelligence whatsoever that will spend the rest of your life alone - except for your 18 cats, which will eat your face off when you die before anyone finds your body.

i've learned it's important to re-assess what's going on in your own head first, give yourself a hard reality check. do you have reason to think what you're thinking? is it really a gut feeling of instinct, or are you panicking yourself over something you extrapolated from a tiny, probably meaningless action or word?

these things are ridiculously difficult to distinguish between. the line between them is so very thin, and to make matters worse, it tends to smear and wobble in times of high emotion or anxiety.

nonetheless, that self-checking process needs to happen before you even allow a thought of the frantic downward spiral into misery to enter your head.

once your mind takes that first stair down, you risk the possibility - even the probability - that you will be wallowing in the depths of despair over nothing at all.