waste

i want to know when this all will stop.

i want to know if this all will stop.

devils will drag you

my one reoccurring thought is:

what would you do if it were me

instead of you?

through the cracks

i, i blame you

i blame you

for all of those things i've been through

albatross

wild beasts

just like old friends

so far

i still know who you are

but now

i wonder who i was

perfect

smashing pumpkins

extrasupervery

i'm working on erasing you

i just don't have the proper tools

i get hammered, forget that you exist

there's no way i'm forgetting this

i'm working hard on walking out

my shoes keep sticking to the ground

my clothes won't let me close the door

and these trousers seem to love your floor

i'm working on my backwards walk

there's nowhere left for me to go

except back to you just one last time

say yes, before i change my mind

you're the shit

and i'm knee-deep in it.

backwards walk

frightened rabbit

seen it 10 times before

i thought that you were the one

in darkness, my heart was won

the ubiquitous mr. lovegrove

dead can dance

a navy knot with arms at night

and now we're unrelated

and rid of all the shit we hated,

but i hate when i feel like this

and i never

hated you.

poke

frightened rabbit

like god's shoeshine

i'm struggling to remind myself over and over

that things are different now, that i really am quite alone at the end of the day,

that the knot that held my idea of normalcy together is fraying slowly

and is bound to snap any day now.

i'm struggling even more

to convince myself that i'll be just fine

anyway.

that about sums it up

walk

can't feel my love anymore

can't feel my legs anymore

but i'm still running

all dried up

phantogram

feels like

image: james joyce

cause you are the ocean

and i'm good at drowning.

you are the ocean

phantogram

who will love you?

come on skinny love,

just last the year.

skinny love

bon iver

our chorus

when we come together then we forget ourselves

and just as night follows day

the beginning must become the end

and so we will start again

please let me go

please let me go

please let me go

so glad to see you

hot chip

the south takes what the north delivers

this is the slow, sick, sucking part of me

this is the slow, sick, sucking part of me

and when i'm sucking kisses

sour

unfair

pavement

in the darkness comes another

i get impatient

with every word

the more you ask me,

the more i've heard

this is a thirst

that i've never had

i've never bled for

another man

lose it

austra

it's do or die now

i can call your fake

i needed an anthem

and i can give your take

i needed a song

and i am here and brave

i want to go dancing

to be a dancer (i am alive)

lovers

bury our limbs

trying to live on

is so taxing

just stacking up

all those failures and accidents

we've thrown away on

a mountain of mistakes

i've watched in the dark

and counted them all

in the moonless night,

i wait for your call

put the days away

sun airway

lessons

it is so deceptively easy to get hopelessly wrapped up in what you think is in someone else's head, what you think might happen, what you think you're going to mess up on.

this habit frequently results in the infamous 'downward spiral', as i fondly call my own tendency to catastrophize. i find it exhausting and frustrating, and i'm sure it's not exactly fun for anyone else around me either.

it begins with a small nagging problem or worry, and quickly blossoms into a giant void of hopelessness in which you are certain you are an absolutely hideous failure with no talent or intelligence whatsoever that will spend the rest of your life alone - except for your 18 cats, which will eat your face off when you die before anyone finds your body.

i've learned it's important to re-assess what's going on in your own head first, give yourself a hard reality check. do you have reason to think what you're thinking? is it really a gut feeling of instinct, or are you panicking yourself over something you extrapolated from a tiny, probably meaningless action or word?

these things are ridiculously difficult to distinguish between. the line between them is so very thin, and to make matters worse, it tends to smear and wobble in times of high emotion or anxiety.

nonetheless, that self-checking process needs to happen before you even allow a thought of the frantic downward spiral into misery to enter your head.

once your mind takes that first stair down, you risk the possibility - even the probability - that you will be wallowing in the depths of despair over nothing at all.

stay put

watch my back

so i make sure
you're right behind me

as before
yesterday, the night before tomorrow

dry my eyes,

so you won't know
dry my eyes,

so i won't show

i know you're right behind me

tonight

lykke li

i wish i could believe

wasted

you tell the truth

when you could've lied

troubles

are on the rise

cause you're in disguise

and if it isn't me,

then pack your bags and leave

i wish i could believe

the devils won't take you back

out to the salty seas

mouthful of diamonds

phantogram

the earth is warmer when you laugh

and love is the scene i render

when you catch me wide awake

and love is the best endeavor

waiting in the lion's mane

lion's mane

iron & wine

i am no one you know

when you play the field selfishly everything

works against you:

one can't insist on love or

demand affection.

you're finally left with whatever

you have been willing to give

which often is:

nothing.

- excerpt from 'a poem for swingers'

by charles bukowski

by blood & by mean

so tell me

when you hear my heart stop -

you’re the only who knows

tell me when you hear my silence

there’s a possibility

i wouldn’t know

possibility

lykke li

don't you let me go

i dry my eye, dry my eye

falling deeper by the hour

dry my eye

dry my eye, dry my eye

don't let me fall deeper now

dry my eye

tonight

lykke li

side streets

i habitually run for miles, sweating my ass off on the cracked sidewalks of my little hometown. it's my hobby, my obsession, my therapy.

usually i run into some people walking dogs, a couple of sunburnt kids on shitty bikes, maybe a few middle-aged ladies with water bottles and fancy sneakers trying to get fit for that midsummer vacation to florida. but today was different. everyone and their brother was out and about, breathing in that muggy air drenched with the smell of all the flowers that lost the battle against the heat of the past few days.

as i was panting and shuffling my way down a side street, i thought about how i felt i had a pretty good day, all things considered; i thought about how i need to run a little bit more before shimmying into that new skirt; i thought about the poor, abused skin on my shoulders soaking up even more UV rays as i ran.

i squinted into the evening sunshine as a group of people got closer - a middle aged mom, older dad, and three young kids, the youngest of which was enthusiastically heading the pack with a fake push-vacuum (the kind with the little balls inside) and a polka dot bathing suit ensemble. that made me smile as i hopped off the curb to give their troupe full clearance to pass.

that smile was glued to my face while the father asked me something i didn't quite hear, and remained when i asked him what he'd said. it was even still there when he repeated jokingly, 'what are ya running from?'

but it was gone in a split second when i answered, 'myself'.

gone because i didn't even realize that's what i was going to say; gone because i wasn't trying to be funny; gone because it was automatic and morbid and completely true.

curtains

i find it hard

to drive your stupid car

i find it hard

because i never get that far

and you put my brain in overload

i can't change gears,

i cannot see the road

you've got concrete eyes

and i cannot see your face

and i failed in life

cause you crushed me with your hate

stupid car

radiohead

i'll give it

i'm naked

i'm numb

i'm stupid

i'm staying

until we bleed

kleerup feat. lykke li

tell me what's next

those things that i've lost

and things that i've sold

this case is now closed

and the trail has gone cold

and your sticks all are snakes

i throw them aside

and twist til they break

but they never die

this is not enough

this is not enough

this is not enough for me

human remains

tom mcrae

circling round

you were so true to yourself

you were true to no one else

well, i should put you in the ground

black cadillacs

modest mouse

questions

be of love a little more careful than of anything.

-e.e. cummings

worth it

gleam with possibilities

image: statue of eve by bec winnel

when the sun goes down,

down on your street

and you're feeling strangely

incomplete

oh,

please don't grieve for days

that fell like leaves

when the sun goes down on your street

ben gibbard

hyperballad

i'm queen of provocation

i wake people up

only before you

i'm humble

i adore you

only before you

i go humble

i go humble

björk

impractical

anytime will do,

my love

no choice of words

will break me

from this rule

will do

tv on the radio

take a swim

stick your arm

inside the mirror

crawl back into bed

take a swim

inside the mirror

exactified

exhausted

trainer

pinback

honey

i can't get

enough of you

god gave me strength

and i gave it to you

i've got sticks

in my spine

but what can i do?

i can never, never, never

get enough of you

i can't get enough

the jesus and mary chain

should've known

new math

image: new math by craig damrauer

por fin

image: steve powers

i'm burned out.

quite

something worth

i am an introvert an excavator

i'm duckin' out for now

a face in dodgy elevators

creep up and suddenly

i found myself

an innovator

l.e.s. artistes

santigold

charismatique

que veux-tu

je suis folle de toi

mon coeur ne bat plus

quand je te vois

tu es beau

tu es grand

tu es fascinant

que veux-tu

yelle

i love you never feeling old

tick-tock

this clockwork will stop

you're the key

for winding up my heart.

big jumps

emiliana torrini

a trapeze is a birdcage

i'm humbled in your pretty lens

i'll hold you,

don't you go

the purple bottle

animal collective

stacking up

trying not to die is so taxing -

you take a breath

just to let it out again

put the days away

sun airway

yes i am doin' just fine

image: paulpaper

this wilderness up in my head

this rhythm that's up in my head

lion in a coma

animal collective

i'm knowing you

image: dylan fareed

you've shown me kindness,

and i felt touch

resurrected

sharing white bread

under purple-blue blossoms

i'm smiling for two

all around and away we go

twin sisters