11.02.2008

one by one all day

Lately, I've been feeling like there is way too much on my plate. I'm sure you know the feeling; that hopeless, underwater daze of perpetual frustration, anxiety, and tension. If you don't, you must've never gone to high school. I'm not saying high school is the most difficult thing you'll ever encounter in your life, because it's not. What I am saying is that when the lesser issues encompassed in the experience that is high school are combined with all of the other things going on in life, everything becomes pretty overwhelming.

Just when I felt like I was going to break under the seemingly-endless amounts of pressures and anxieties that were being heaped on, I suddenly gave myself some slack. I'm not sure how. It certainly wasn't intended on my part to find that I really could live with that irritatingly bad AP Calculus grade, or that stupid, stupid mistake I made on the AP Bio quiz. I was fully intending to beat the proverbial horse to death. I was prepared to brood over my shortcomings for the weekend, going back to school on Monday with strengthened resolve and a massive headache, simply because that's what I do. So sue me.

But, I surprised myself. Sometime in between running in full Amy Winehouse makeup during practice (believe me, the hair and eyeliner is not easily reversed) and driving over to Molly's for the last spaghetti dinner of the cross country season, I gave up on it. I flat out forgave myself my dumb mistakes. When I absentmindedly groped for that oh, no feeling that commonly resides in the pit of my stomach after such an episode, it simply wasn't there.

What's more, this trend continued. I really was and am pleased with my last-ever high school cross country race at sectionals. And on the long bus ride home, looking around at my very best friends and thinking about the race, I felt my other worries loosen their grip, even if only for a few minutes. It was the happiest I've felt in a very, very long time.

It didn't last, of course; life continues, new worries emerge, and there's always something to think over. Cross country, the best sport ever invented, is over, yes. A few other great things in my life are over, too; it's true. But there's a trip to New York City coming up fast, a chance to spend three days with some of the people I love most. There's a chance to spend more time on that frustrating Calc. Above all, there's the new knowledge that I really can get over that trivial little stuff I encounter in my academic life. That's pretty priceless.

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